I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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