I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
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so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
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Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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