I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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