I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
