Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
