your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
