Pappa wants mamma naked
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
