You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
