apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards