im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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