You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
