No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
