I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
