i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
