Will you blow on my dice?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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