Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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