I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
