Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
