I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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