took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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