Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
