It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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