Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
