At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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