If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
