Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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