Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
