At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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