i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
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He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Dear god my vagina.
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