i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
