I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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