You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
