Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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