i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
