I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
