I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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