I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
