hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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