He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
