I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....