Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
