You're my little dorito
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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