my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
