Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
