Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
