I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize