and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
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After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
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Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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