what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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