can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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