They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
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The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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