You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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