i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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