My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
im six kinds of drunk right now
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
