the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
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I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
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My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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