Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
