She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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