I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
im holly from the hills drunk
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
