Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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